There is no reason for you to be here

Not a delivery, not a neighbor, not a surprise visit. This funny go away doormat tells everyone who shows up uninvited that the house is closed, the lights are off and nobody's pretending otherwise.

Pick natural coir, 16"x24" up to 36"x72", for a covered porch, or go all-weather (18"x30" or 30"x47") and hose it off anywhere. It's the gift for the homebody who screens every knock through the peephole. We were making rude doormats in 2009, before the copycats caught on. Stuck on size? Tammy Sandwiches, our doormat matchmaker (a very good dog), will sort you out, or read How do I choose a doormat?