Eye chart: get the fuck off my porch

Read it line by line, getting smaller and ruder. This all-weather eye chart doormat gives guests a vision test they won't forget.

Check the size menu for materials and sizes. Measure your door first; the mat won't forgive you if you don't. Give it to the optometrist with a dark sense of humor and the friend with a crowded porch. Ask Tammy Sandwiches, our doormat matchmaker. She's a very good dog and she won't judge you. Or read How do I choose a doormat?