Bugger off, we're full

No vacancy. This funny go away doormat is for packed houses, tiny apartments and hosts who've hit their people quota for the year.

Coir comes in sizes from 16"x24" to 36"x72" and wants a roof over its head. The all-weather version (18"x30" or 30"x47") doesn't care about anything, much like you. Give it to the family with four kids, three dogs and no spare room. We were making rude doormats in 2009, before the copycats caught on. Stuck on size? Tammy Sandwiches, our doormat matchmaker (a very good dog), will sort you out, or read How do I choose a doormat?