Two words. No explanation offered, none coming. The doormat equivalent of a raised eyebrow from someone who already knows how this conversation ends.

Get it in eco-friendly coir made from coconut husks (keep it under a porch roof, out of sun and rain) or all-weather recycled rubber that hoses off and shrugs at snow. Coir comes in 8 sizes. We invented the rude doormat back in 2009. The copycats showed up later and still haven't topped two words. A gag gift for the friend who says it first.

It isn't going to explain itself. Neither are you. Picking a size? Let Tammy Sandwiches, our Doormat Guide Dog, fetch your mats (she bites nobody), or read How Do I Choose a Doormat?