Get the fuck off my porch!

Clear, loud, all-weather. This rude doormat handles solicitors, lingering neighbors and anyone else who should keep moving.

Check the size menu for materials and sizes. Measure your door first; the mat won't forgive you if you don't. Give it to the porch guardian with no patience left. We were making rude doormats in 2009, before the copycats caught on. Ask Tammy Sandwiches, our doormat matchmaker. She's a very good dog and she won't judge you. Or read How do I choose a doormat?