Welcome to my shithole

In sweet cross-stitch lettering, like grandma made it. This rude all-weather doormat welcomes guests to a house that's honest about the dishes.

Check the size menu for materials and sizes. Measure your door first; the mat won't forgive you if you don't. Give it to the friend who apologizes for the mess before you're even inside. We were making rude doormats in 2009, before the copycats caught on. Size questions go to Tammy Sandwiches, our doormat matchmaker (a very good dog with zero patience for small talk), or How do I choose a doormat?