I've been making holiday mats since 2009 and I can tell you exactly what I expected to be the bestseller, and exactly how wrong I was.
I expected the swearing. Merry Fuckin Christmas, Ho Fuckin Ho, the whole f-bomb shelf. Those do fine. Those do great, actually.
But my favorite holiday mat I make is Happy Festivus, and it isn't close.
Why Festivus wins
If you're shopping for somebody who does not love Christmas, a funny christmas doormat with a joke about Santa still has Santa on it. You're handing them the holiday with a wink taped to it.
A Festivus mat isn't that. It's a whole different holiday with its own rules, and it's a bit that two people can be in on together for the rest of December. It says: I know you're not doing this the normal way, here's a flag for that.
It also holds up in a way most gag gifts don't. The joke doesn't wear out in January, because the person putting it out already decided in advance that the whole season is a construct. Nobody buys a festivus doormat by accident.
If you need the reference: Festivus is December 23, it comes with the aluminum pole, the airing of grievances and the feats of strength, and it has quietly become a real thing that real families do. Mine included.
The one I don't see much anymore, and why
For years my biggest December seller was Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal.
It's a good mat. It's also five words from a movie everybody knows, in a font anyone can approximate, which means within a couple of seasons there were forty versions of it on every marketplace, most of them mass-produced in a warehouse, most of them cheaper than mine.
I still make it. It doesn't sell like it did, and I'm not going to pretend it was anything other than a lesson. A joke that's easy to copy is a joke you're renting.
Which is why the mats I put effort into now tend to be either something I wrote myself or something with enough weirdness in it that a knockoff looks obviously wrong.
Buying one for somebody else
Most of these leave here as gifts, so let me sort them by who you're buying for.
For the friend who says Christmas is a scam and then cries at the Muppets one, it's Festivus every time. It lets them keep the position and enjoy the season anyway.
For the person who swears more than you do, Merry Fuckin Christmas, or Ho Fuckin Ho if you want it shorter and louder. These are the rude christmas doormat end of the shelf and they are not subtle. That's the point.
For someone with kids, an HOA, or a mother-in-law with opinions, skip the swearing entirely. Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal is a movie quote, not a curse, and it reads as funny rather than hostile. Happy Crimus works the same way.
For a coworker or a gift exchange, you want something loud enough to get a reaction across a room. It has to land in three seconds, sight unseen, from six feet away.
And if you're buying for yourself, you already know exactly which one. You're not browsing, you're confirming. Go ahead.
The mat is the decoration for people who don't decorate
Here's my actual pitch, and then I'll leave you alone.
A lot of people are not going to do a tree this year. Not out of grief or protest, just because it's a lot and they're tired. But almost everybody still opens the door for someone in December.
A holiday doormat is the whole decorating budget for that person. One thing, at the one place every guest stands, and then they're done. It's the least effort with the most reach of anything you can put in a house, and it's the reason this category exists at all.
Order dates, honestly
I'm one person running this. So:
Custom orders need to be in by Thanksgiving. After that I can't promise a December delivery, and I'd rather tell you now than apologize later.
Stock mats ship every day through December 21, but December 7 is the realistic cutoff if you want it to arrive without refreshing a tracking page at midnight. Anything after that is a gamble, and I'll tell you the odds if you ask.
Shop it
Start with Happy Festivus, which is the one I'd bet on, and Merry Fuckin Christmas if the person you're buying for has never once used an indoor voice.
Want their name on it, or an inside joke only four people understand? Custom orders close at Thanksgiving.
If you're still deciding, rude doormats as gifts covers the reasoning. Everything else is at Damn Good Doormats, where a queer woman has been making the rude doormat since she invented the genre in 2009.
Be well and enjoy wiping your feet!
Spoon
