You can go home now

Thanks for coming, truly. This rude doormat tells guests the party is officially over.

Get it in natural coir (16"x24" to 36"x72", keep it covered) or all-weather (18"x30" or 30"x47") that survives rain and your in-laws. Give it to the host who turns on all the lights at 10 p.m. It's on the way out and it isn't coming back. Like your ex, but you'll miss this one. Stuck on size? Tammy Sandwiches, our doormat matchmaker (a very good dog), will sort you out, or read How do I choose a doormat?