Knock or ring for a free ass kicking

Doorbell ditchers, take note. This rude doormat promises every visitor a complimentary ass kicking, no appointment needed. Solicitors suddenly remember another street.

Coir comes in sizes from 16"x24" to 36"x72" and wants a roof over its head. The all-weather version (18"x30" or 30"x47") doesn't care about anything, much like you. It's a gag gift for the friend with a big dog, a bigger attitude and zero patience for pranks. We were making rude doormats in 2009, before the copycats caught on. Stuck on size? Tammy Sandwiches, our doormat matchmaker (a very good dog), will sort you out, or read How do I choose a doormat?