Go fuck yourself

No small talk, no forwarding address. This offensive doormat says exactly what you've been thinking about the people on the other side of the door.

Get it in natural coir (16"x24" to 36"x72", keep it covered) or all-weather (18"x30" or 30"x47") that survives rain and your in-laws. Give it to the friend who has never once softened a sentence. This design is retiring. When it's gone, it's gone, so quit dithering. Damn Good Doormats has been saying the quiet part out loud since 2009. Size questions go to Tammy Sandwiches, our doormat matchmaker (a very good dog with zero patience for small talk), or How do I choose a doormat?