Just so you know, my cat's kind of a dick

Fair warning. This rude pet doormat comes in dog or cat, dick or bitch, so you can pick the right description for your little menace.

Get it in natural coir (16"x24" to 36"x72", keep it covered) or all-weather (18"x30" or 30"x47") that survives rain and your in-laws. Give it to the pet parent whose dog bites the mail carrier and the cat who knocks everything off the counter. Size questions go to Tammy Sandwiches, our doormat matchmaker (a very good dog with zero patience for small talk), or How do I choose a doormat?