The doorbell rings. You peek through the blinds like you don't already know it's the neighbor who wants to talk about the HOA newsletter again. You don't answer. You don't have to — this is one of the funniest doormats you'll ever own, and it just said everything for you. Get The Fuck Outta Here. Not a suggestion. A policy.

Pick your material: eco coir, the coir outdoor mat classic, eco friendly from sustainable fiber in 8 sizes, happiest on a covered porch out of direct sun and rain — or all-weather fabric front mat with a recycled rubber non-slip backing, which doesn't care where you put it: hose it off, leave it in a blizzard, whatever. Either way it fits a studio apartment door or a pretentious double French door situation, and both make a genuinely great housewarming gift for whichever friend this personality matches.

Buy it, put it down, and enjoy watching people laugh, wince, or quietly turn around — all correct reactions. Stuck between coir and rubber? Perogi, our very good pug of a chatbot, will sort you out, or read How Do I Choose a Doormat? for the long version.