Your porch used to be a nice little Norman Rockwell number — string lights, a rocking chair, maybe a pumpkin come October. Then you got sick of package thieves, unsolicited Girl Scouts, and your neighbor's dog treating your steps like its own personal restroom. So we made a mat that skips the metaphor entirely: GET THE FUCK OFF MY PORCH. Just the plain, glorious truth, right where their foot lands first.
We make this one two ways. Eco coir, our classic sustainable-fiber weave, comes in 8 sizes — from a snug 18x30 that fits an apartment door to a 24x70 spread for a proper front-door floor mat — best kept under a covered entryway, out of direct sun and rain, so the bristles keep their bite. Or go all-weather fabric front mat with a recycled rubber non-slip backing: sun-proof, rain-proof, hose it clean after mud season and it comes back swinging no matter the entrance. Either one makes a stupidly good housewarming gift, white elephant weapon, or "I don't do subtlety" present for the friend who already screens their doorbell.
Set it down, step back, and watch delivery guys read it twice. Not sure which size or material fits your entrance? Ask Perogi, our chatbot (a very good pug, does not bite, unlike this doormat) — or read How Do I Choose a Doormat? for the full rundown.
Pictures and descriptions match product! Very well crafted and well done! Appreciate the care instructions that are included! Thank you and I will look forward to buying in the near future.
Fucking Awesome!
Because apparently my handmade sign was insufficient, I needed a doormat to make my misanthropy clear. I absolutely love it. It's clearly extremely well made. I expect to enjoy it for many many years.
Hilarious doormat. When people realize what it says they crack up. Puts a smile on the delivery guy’s face and I hear them chuckling up the sidewalk. It’s the little things that make everyone’s day better. Nice quality and worth every naughty cent, Thank you!