Your dog knocked over the cauldron, ate a bat wing off the porch, and still thinks she runs this coven. Fine. Save the neighbors a step and warn them before the doorbell does — "Rotten Dog Lives Here" isn't a threat, it's a public service announcement, and it reads a lot funnier in flaking witch-script on a doormat than screamed out your window at 6am.

Get it as an eco coir doormat (8 sizes, from a runt that fits under the storm door to a full HOA-nightmare landing pad) if your porch stays covered and dry — or all-weather fabric front mat with a recycled rubber non-slip backing if your front step catches rain, snow, and whatever the rotten dog in question tracked in, because that one hoses off clean in about ten seconds flat. Either way it's a genuinely good welcome outdoor doormat, and a stupidly easy gift for whoever's dog is objectively cursed.

We invented the sarcastic doormat industry back in 2009, before every copycat shop figured out "welcome" was optional — so this one's eco friendly sustainablely, not stiff, and built to actually hold up under a rotten dog's paws. Hit the button, or if you're stuck on sizing, ask Perogi (our very good pug of a chatbot) or check How Do I Choose a Doormat? — she's used to rescuing people from cursed dogs and bad size math.