Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off

Two options. Pick one. This all-weather rude doormat gives guests a simple choice at the door.

Check the size menu for materials and sizes. Measure your door first; the mat won't forgive you if you don't. Give it to the host who means both halves equally. Stuck on size? Tammy Sandwiches, our doormat matchmaker (a very good dog), will sort you out, or read How do I choose a doormat?