Nobody walks into this house drunk. Plenty of people walk out that way. Aquí no entran borrachos, solo salen: the house rule for the tía who hosts every party and the porch that's seen some things after midnight.

Pick eco-friendly coir (coconut husk, keep it under the porch roof, out of sun and rain) or all-weather recycled rubber that survives a spilled michelada and hoses clean. Coir comes in 8 sizes. We've been making bilingual doormats with a mouth on them since 2009. Bring it to the next housewarming instead of another bottle.

Funny until it's true. Then funnier. Need help choosing? Let Tammy Sandwiches, our Doormat Guide Dog, fetch your mats, or read How Do I Choose a Doormat?